Harry Potter and the Canon Rapist
by L0rdVoldelmort
Summary: There's a rapist lose in Hogwarts, and they're raping Canon. Watch as the world is twisted to their vile will. The Dark Lord is reduced to a campy, bitch, Dumbledore's off his meds, and Harry is torn between his two loves. Can you catch the Canon Rapist before they destroy everything? VoldieXLucius,HarryXDraco, and others.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the property of J.K Rowling, I do not own it, I never have, and I never will.**

**1: Voldemort and the London Underground.  
**  
Dear Diary,

I have been told that it is stimulating to keep track of one's thoughts, so you are the vessel in which I shall contain them. If betray my trust I will avarda cardva you.

Today I met my underlings; they were speechless like I was a noseless, white, wizarding Louis Armstrong. We went to a charming little café in Knockturn Alley; I believe it was called Mudblood's Must Die. We came just in time to see the Muggle Bating. One spilled my tea, my BLACK TEA, black like my soul fragments. But you didn't hear about that, did you diary? Shhhhhhhh.

I felt better after Bellatrix bought me some apple strudel. She tried to feed me, and I shouted.  
'Back off you ugly slapper, I can feed myself!'

It was then I noticed Lucius sitting across from us, his silvery hair like moonlight and his rosy lips, ones that reminded me of sweet nothings whispered between satin sheets on stormy nights. Our pasty, lean bodies entwined in timeless passion, it gives me a big alabaster lob on just thinking about it.

We started to talk about evil things to do to Harry Potter, like taking his glasses, pulling his pants down and laughing, or yelling nasty things like 'Your parents are dead', and 'you're neither attractive or talented; unlike me I am both.  
My slender body and lack of a facial deformity commonly known as a nose is considered most fetching. It was decided our next evil meeting would be somewhere more dastardly, somewhere filled with human suffering, misery and humiliating like a Uganda or Oprea's house. I hate her; I am more of a Dr Phil Man myself.

Once I entered filthy muggle London, I realised someone (Mostly likely Dumbledork, and the Order of the Phoenix) had clamped my land broom. Or as ignorant muggle's call it a Vesper. They left no identification, except a set or numbers, they said to call them. I shouted then and there, and no one arrived.  
A large crowd had gathered, at this point I noticed a chav, who called me a 'mong' so I crucioed him, for over an hour while I pondered what to do. I decided with a heavy heart that I would delve into the unparalleled horror of the public transport system. After killing the chav, and cleverly hiding his body a conveniently placed ravine, one of many in London. I took his attire, and placed them on my alabaster limbs irresistible to the touch, as my fashionable robe would cause a stir, and I was wearing no under garments. I immediately decided I despised tracksuit pants, and have made them against the Death Eater dress code. I gave the chav one last kick, and headed for the train station.

I duelled with a ticket barrier, for a good half an hour. I heard a woman tell her spawn that I was 'A very special man' even obese muggles know that I am exceptionable. A bloated donut hole, or as local call them 'Wankers' asked where my ticket was. I informed him that I was his better, and didn't need a ticked, then called him a muggle, and spat in his face. He then incited fisticuffs, how Neolifific. At this point I remembered I could apperate. So I kicked him in the balls, raised my wand and apperated away, no doubt leaving many stunned muggle, and even a few mildly aroused, at such a display of raw power, I tend to have this effect on people. It's not easy being an unwilling sex symbol, but somehow I manage.

Yours truly the Dark Lord Voldemort.

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	2. Voldemort, Shock and Awe

**Disclaimer:**** Harry Potter is the Property of J.K Rowling. I own nothing. Thanks for the reviews.**

**Harry Potter and the Canon Rapist chapter 2: Shock, and Awe!**

Dear Diary,

Today I called my underlings Little Wavering, to discuss how to retrieve my land broom. I unfurled a parchment of dragon skin on which, in the blood of house elves, I had carved a map of London. Outside the Leaky Cauldron was a giant X, marking the location of my land-broom (Vespa).

I began to tell them my erotic and devious plan; they were stunned into silence at the brilliantnessness of it. My plan was entitled 'Shock and Awe'.

The plan was at preciously six o'clock sharp, burst in there, kill everyone, make a few Horcruxes while I'm at it, pillage the til, and, crucio whoever's left alive, then nip into the fridge and grab some milk.

"Now this is the important part." I said in a sensual voice "We must do this… **completely naked**."

"You want us to be naked sir?" Asked Grayback.

"That's right balls and all, fannies for you ladies." On an afterthought I added "You and Bellatrix might wanna shave."

It was at this point something deeply unpleasant happened. Something that makes me want to have Snape vomit in my undergarments, and walk around in them on a really hot day, than have it repeated. My older brother entered the room, looking like a right git.

"TOMMY! I got ya' Barbie pushbike back." He screamed to my Death Eaters.

"Do not call me by that name!" I spat, complete with real flem.

Without invitation, the oaf took a chair between Bellatrix, and Narcissa the only women without moustaches in the room. Big, bushy, black moustaches. I think I will add shaving to the women's dress code, or perhaps paper bags. Dear Lord the Death Eaters were an ugly bunch, but I digress.

"Did I ever tell ya' how little Tommy lost 'is nose?" he said to Bellatrix, as he groped her massive titties "Ya' see one night…"

"Crucio!"

"My Lord," Snape said, after I finished torturing my brother "who is this man?"

"Ashamed of me are ya'?" Said the stupid oaf "I'm his big…"

I stupefied him before he could finish his answer.

Through gritted teeth answered "His is my older brother Jeffery."

"Where did he come from?" The entire Harry Potter fanfiction community shouted in one voice, filled with extreme disgust at the most rampant canon rape since My Immortal first cursed the internet.

"Well you see between the books Goblet of Fire, and the Order of the Phoenix."

"What book is he talking about?" Narcissa said.

"Dunno I think he's gone batshit crazy…er." Her husband answered. Of course she didn't know it was a sham marriage, Lucius was mine, and only mine. My sweet winter rose with luscious lips, and firm, alabaster buttocks.

Apparently I was the only one capable of breaking the fourth wall, a shame really its jolly good fun. I continued with my story of shame unabated.

"As I was saying he's my older brother from another reality. I went there between books four and five, to see how I could kill Harry Potter, and met Jeff instead. Fucking time travel, the Doctor makes it look so much easier. Questions?"

A young man raised his hand "Does this mean we don't have get the land-broom?"

"Keep up with it you burke, my brother already returned it!"

I then killed him, because he was just a nameless Death Eater and his death would cause no adverse effects to the plot; however little there is at this point.

After the meeting I decided that Jeff and I needed to talk about how he treated my gal pals. Sometimes I pretend we're in Sex in the City, and I'm Sarah Jessica Parker. I don't care what people say, I don't believe she looks like a Clydesdale eating its own arsehole. They're simply jealous of her success, and taking pot shots at people's excessive body hair is not something I approve of.

Jeff poured himself a glass of MY fire-whisky. He looked much like I used too except, excessively broad, and far too tall. His green eyes were like two pools of snot. I thought he was a disgusting man, with that gargantuan arms, and swollen muscles.  
People say I was jealous, why would I be jealous of such a repulsive individual? I mean Bellatrix called him a 'Beef cake' that would be a most disappointing dessert, and I have no idea what a 'hotty pants' is. I think it might mean he has inflamed genital herpes, all in all a very unpleasant image.

"Jeff" I began in an irate tone, crossing my arms in an awarding winning Darth Vader impersonation. He's my hero, the things I would do to that man. "We need to talk about how you're treating my bitches, it's not on brother."

"Yeah, I was a bit out of line, a fine lady like Bellatrix needs a bit of romancin'." He replied with a suggestive wink, making him look like he had a nervous twitch.

I personally thought Bellatrix was a total various slut, who would get it on with just about everything. Rumour has it that her vagina is so wide you could put it on like a wellington. It was at this time I realised I was not narrating my life in my head as I first imagined, but speaking it in a loud, erotic, and very pleasing tone.

This could explain why my brother, Jeffery Salazar Riddle, time-travelling, trans-dimensional boob, was frothing at the mouth with rage, and had his wand pointed at my devilishly handsome eyes. It's a gift I know ladies, you can stop swooning, and perhaps a change of panties is in order.

Instead of casting an appalling, and probably very weak, and ill-conceived spell. Which I being, a BAMF was totally ready for. Even though I, as a generous and loving little brother, and not a raving loon like Dunbledork tries to portray me as, would have allowed him to cast. As it is not every day that one finds out that the bird they fancy is a two pound slapper. He jammed his wand right into my nasal cavity.

"MY BRAIN!" I shouted, as searing agony took over.

Jeff stormed out, and I ended up with a piece of wand wedged in my brain. Some say it caused problems for me, but they're all dead now.

Lord Voldemort PHD

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	3. Jeff, MrFiddler

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter J.K Rowling, I do not and never will own it. Except for my copies of the books.  
Thanks to everyone who reads, favourites, reviewed, or subscribed.  
Warning: Foul language, poorly disguised innuendoes, and Umbridge. **

To my journal,

I've recently travelled to an alternate reality, where my brother Tom is still alive, but is instead a noseless sadist, who refuses to wear underwear, has a lover who's married, enjoys day time telly, and plans to conquer the world. At least this Tommy had ambitions, instead of just being a passive aggressive accountant for Gringotts. Of course this Tom could do with a little less real aggression. He's also convinced that he's God's gift to women, men, plants, furniture, anything really.

* * *

His stupid little fan club does nothing to enhance his personality. There are a couple of alright birds, so long as you steer clear of the ones with the beards. Bloody hell those evil chicks are proper dirty. I haven't told Voldie yet, but me and Bella have already done the big nasty.

So anyway, I stuck me wand up the gits bloody nose hole and that ain't a euphemism for anything. I shoved it through the skin which keeps his tiny little brain from fallin' out. That's why I'm at me old stomping ground, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft, and Wizardry, to join the Order of the Phoenix. I had to break in of course, they planted a psychotic tree on top of the tunnel, it went at me like Tree-Beard, and so I burnt it down, leaving its limbs flayling in shear agony. As we learnt with Green Peace, give 'em an inch they take a mile.

I marched into the Great Hall, kicked the doors open, and punched a ginger Gryffindor out of the way, pointed Dumbledore, and shouted "Dumbledore ya' motherfucker! I've got words to 'ave with ya', ya' git!"

Not the stealthiest of entrances, I know, but I like to make an impression. Dumbledore quickly ushered me away, something about not wanting to offend innocent virgin ears.

Once we were in the old twat's office, more like padded cell if you ask me, he started grilling me about who I was, and what I wanted.

"Tell me your name?" The senile old fool asked, and started to dribble.

"I'm Jeffery Salazar Riddle, or Jeff." I said as I nicked one of his expensive cigars, man of his age shouldn't be smoking them anyway "Or as me various female callers know me, 'Arry Huge Cock. But ya' probably wanna know that I'm Voldemort's big brother." He looked stunned, flabbergasted even.

"Big brother?" He repeated "His family's dead. You're lying, or mad, or lying and mad. Or just senile, I forget what I was talking about, where am I? Where are my trousers"

"Well in this reality they're dead." Clearly this was like talkin' to a mushy wall, the demented old fool.

The old man looked like he was suffering from that Old-timers-syndrome "What reality?"

My brow lowered with rage "you're not one of those lily-sucking existentialists are ya'?"

Before he could answer a bloke who looked like a Trent Reznor from the popular industrial band Nine Inch Nails walked in, I realised it was just Snape. He was followed by a grouchy looking bird, McGonagall; I think she needed a good long shag. I would give it to her, but I think if I did Bellatrix would snap me cock off, and eat it, as is her custom.

The greasy pratt made me explain everything, starting with how I came to this reality.

'Our mumsy Morpe Gaunt fell out of the ugly tree, and 'it every branch on the way down. I love me mum, but it's incredibly true. She had a cockeye and a snaggle tooth; really she was just an unfortunate lookin' person."

'Lovely, how you talk about your own mother." The Trent Reznor look alike sneered.

'It's bloody true! Look she ain't exactly a reputable human being, she used magic to seduce me dad. That makes her a sex criminal, the kinda thing ya' see on SVU.' I retorted. "She may as well 'ave slipped 'im a ruthy."

"Yes, I do see your point, your mother was basically a rapist."

"Let's not bring mothers into this Snape!"

"ACK! What starlit loch did ye meet on the shores of?" McGonagall asked.

I realised my mistake, McGonagall did not know that I had been with Tommy's glorified book club for the past six months. Sitting in a dark room like emos, listening to their, My Chemical Romance Albums, so I had no way of knowing Snape's name. I remembered like any good liar should, when confronted with the truth don't admit anything, and keep making counter accusations.

"What would ya' know ya' drunk old Scot? Its only 7pm and you're already 'alf cut, and plus I'm pretty sure Albus has just pissed 'imself!"

"ACK! How dare you!" The drunken Scottish bitty yelled "I would never be so irresponsible to drink around children!"

"And I don't wet myself anymore" Albus protested "I have adult nappies, and a Stadium Pal!"

Snape's forked tongue cut through their rabble like the diet in America "Finish your story so we can get to the bottom of this."

"Long story short, me and Tommy lived in London. He 'ad a boyfriend, worked at Gringotts, and 'ad a nose."

"ACK! This explains nothing of why ye are here." McGonagall said.

At this point I noticed the nauseating stench of cat piss wafting from the open doorway; it was coming from a heinous woman dressed in pastel pink. She looked like a giant toad, which thinks its people.

"Ahem, ahem." She coughed in a monstrous attempt to sound like a sex kitten. Yet to despite all of this, Little Jeff… I mean Big Jeff, Huge Jeff, Makes Women Sore Jeff, felt the stir of life. "Who is this?" she croaked

"This is Jeff Fiddler, our new staff member!" Albus shouted… I think he's also deaf.

"Staff member?" The toad repeated as if contemplating the words. I knew this couldn't be true, toads are incapable of thought "I wasn't aware we had any positions available."

"Jeff's a plumber; he's going to work with Filch.' Dumbledore said, I'd never said I was a plumber. Maybe there was more to this doddering, incontinent, old fool then I'd previously imagined.

'Oh good, this place stinks like cat piss! We really do need more cleaning staff."

Clearly everyone was far too polite to tell her that she reeked of the stuff, it was like she sweated piss. With that Dololres Umbridge waddled away, in search of babies to eat. Somehow I knew her name, even though we had never been formally introduced.

"You could 'ave picked a less embarrassing alias, Jeff Fiddler? I sound like a sex criminal! I ain't a fuckin' sex pest! Who's gonna trust a man named Fiddler, the coppers are probably gonna come round lookin' for missin' people in my rape dungeon!"

"You have a rape dudgeon?" Snape inquired with a bit too much interest.

"Slip off the tongue, my greasy haired chum." Snape seemed outraged at the hair comment "I of course mean consensual sex dudgeon…I mean consensual sex room."

I was interrupted from my ravings, by Albus shouting 'My Stadium Pal's full!"

* * *

After that disgusting and very confusing affair in Dumbledore's office, I was introduced to a weasely looking man named Filch. He was clearly a Squib, this was obvious as he was scraping congealed nachos off the Great Hall ceiling, if he was a wizard he would of used his wand. He had a relationship with his cat, which I could only conclude as deeply sexual and highly unpleasant Mrs. Norris.

Omitting the rampant feline buggery, he was a pretty decent fellow. Bit prickly on the eyes, but then again most people around here are.

The ginger I'd punched walked by, he was bitching up a storm, to a bookish looking tart with a lot of bushy hair, and so I spat on him. The wingy little twerp ran off.

"I hate gingers." I said.

"So do I." Filch replied, after snogging his cat.

Maybe we'd get on just fine.

J.S Riddle certified Magical Plumber. AKA Jeff Fiddler.

**A:/N: As a side note I am on a quest to find an Umbridge fan. I really want to see if it's possible for anyone to like her.**

**So if you are an Umbridge fan, or you know an Umbridge fan let me know.**

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	4. Albus, As it is pudding day!

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter J.K Rowling, I do not and never will own it. Except for my copies of the books.  
Warrning: Rampant canon-rape, OOC, Dumbledore bashing, and none serious Scottish prejudice.**  
**  
****So thanks to the ONE of you who's reviewed. Come on its common courtesy, anything is appreciated.**

**It is pudding day!**

**Albus's Diary:  
**

* * *

Dear Diary,

After my routine colonoscopy, I decided a naked stroll around the grounds would be an smashing idea. I walked past the newly installed Stargate, it cost a tremendous amount of money. Which I nicked from Harry's account, what's he gonna spend it on anyway, condoms and candy? As if he could get any, Crabbe and Goyle would steal it off him anyway, what a pussy.

I decided I was going to convince the Sorting Hat to put more students in the wrong houses, anyone can see Pansy Parkinson clearly a Hufflepuff. I'm an old man you see, and screwing around with people's lives really gets me off.

I heard shouting, which is clearly inappropriate, as it was about my nap time. I swung open the doors in full crotchety old geezer mood. I was over powered by the stench of cat piss. It was at that point I realised the chode woman Umbridge was harassing my harem.

Professor Trewany was sobbing, with her lover Madam Hooch comforting her, and McGonagall was there too, looking irate. I like to watch them in the shower, Hooch, and Trewany that is. Umbridge was calling her a waste of space, a dotty old cow, and such. Apparently she was going to fire her, she is pretty inept.

"And your authority for that statement is?" Umbridge mooed at McGonagall.

"Mine!" I boomed in my best impersonation of James L. Jones.

As soon as the ugly little chode woman saw me, she hobbled towards me like a beast of burden, her trotters crammed into tiny pink shoes, and her cankles groaning under the stress of a weight which would break Atlas's back.

She launched into a monologue about why she could do this; all I heard was moo, moo, moo! I wasn't listening too hard because the Great Hall was serving chocolate pudding, and I will admit that was on the top of my mind.

Someone shouted "Don't let her kick Trewany out!"

This gave me a loose idea of what was going on. Personally I wanted to keep watching the rug munchers in the shower, and the internet wasn't readily available yet, and getting Broadband from the future burns a hole the size of Jabba the Hut, so how was I supposed to get my hardcore lesbian porn?

I told her she could fire her, but she could stay in the castle, and we got a new teacher now. I pointed to the open doors, where stood a half-man half horse thing stood. Mr Ed as I called him.

I then went after that pudding, making sure to remove my dentures as they only give me grief. I think I heard Harry calling me, but he was being annoying and angsty. I'm too old to deal with that shit.

I found the Great Hall almost exclusively populated with those fat butterballs, Hufflepuffs, after all it was pudding day. I couldn't stand the sight of so many potential constants for Biggest Loser UK in one place, so I went to the kitchens obtain the pudding.

On my way I met a rather flustered Professor McGonagall.

"Ack, There be two strange man in the kitchen!" She cried an obnoxiously thick Scottish drawl.

"Can…you…Under…stand…me?" I said. Slowly so as not to bamboozle her tiny Scottish brain.

"Ack, there be two strange man in the kitchens. Come yonder." I think she wanted me to follow her, so I did, because as we all know these Scots are quick to anger.

The drunken Scot led me to the kitchen, perhaps she wanted to fry me something. I don't see why she must know that I want pudding, being as it is pudding day. Silly Scottish woman, probably drunk no doubt! After all it was after nine o'clock in the morning, and that is their usual drinking habits.

Two men sat talking in the kitchen, one with scars who talked like a cowboy, and the other American spoke like a motivational councillor. I realised she'd gone stark raving mad.

"I've seen through your practical joke, these are our outstanding professors John Marston head of cowboy studies, and Commander Sheppard head of Reaper Slaying 101."

"Ack Dumbledore, these men have never been here before!"

For a moment I thought perhaps she was right, but then I remembered that I am senile, and had forgotten to take my pills. This meant everything she said was a lie, perhaps she was trying to get me to write her into me will! She wasn't getting my walnut cabinets. I'd sooner die then give them to my own children, if I have any. Which I'm not sure if I do.

"Want some whiskey!" John Marston shouted, forgetting that unlike in the Old West we use inside voices in Britain.

"Aye, I don't mind if I do." Her tiny Scottish brain distracted by the thought of imamate drunkenness, as is common in Glasgow.  
**  
**As soon as alcohol entered the room McGonagall was gone, and instead there was a fiery, drunken harlot. Perhaps I'd made a mistake in employing her?  
As the three of them began to drink and make merry, I lost temper because being old I'm violently allergic to fun.

"WHERE'S THE FUCKIN' PUDDING!" I roared.

It was only then Commander Sheppard tentatively advanced, bearing a bowl of soggy brown goodness, chocolate motherfucking pudding!

"Now Albus, if you want something you only need to ask. We are your friends, and friendship is true power of the universe, and…"

"Shut up! You Trans-galactic weirdo" I said, snatching the pudding from his outstretched hands, and with one fluid movement, shovelled the entire contents of the receptacle into my toothless gullet. Look out thighs, you're having guests. As pudding drip upon my liver spotted chest, and down to my saggy descended scrotum, I remembered I was naked.

I had two options ahead of me, run screaming in shame, or continue to display my athletic body, and gargantuan willy. As I was hung like a donkey, I went for the latter. So I proceeded to return to my office, pudding in hand, and my titanic donger flopping around in the frigged air like a Christmas stocking weighed down with presents for all good boys and girls, immune to frostbite, and flabbergasted stares. Voldemort thinks he's a sex symbol? Bitch, ain't seen nothin' yet.

Ah Pudding day, the only reason I stay in this shitty, highly underpaid job.**  
**  
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Super Fuck.

**Cross-over's:**  
**  
1) Stargate - From the sci-fi Stargate SG1.**

**2) John Marston –the protagonist cowboy/ bandit from the Red Dead series.**

**3) Commander Sheppard –the protagonist from the Mass Effect Series.**

**The Canon Rapist is really screwing with things now, any idea who it is?**

**I'm still looking for that Umbridge fan.**

**Thoughts, comments, quaries? CLICK THAT BUTTON, AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!**

**Next chapter Harry's Diary _"But, I'm half-blood too, does that matter to you Draco?"_**


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